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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

What'd'ya do.....

What do you do when you have so many things to say to so many different people and you just can't say them? In some cases I have things I need to say to people, but if said these things will either hurt their feelings or piss them off. Either way in those couple of cases those people would no longer be in my life. Which in the over all grand scheme of things would not be bad for me...as these are those that are taking anything they can but never giving back...which would be of no great loss to me, however I just don't want to be mean. There have been times in my life when being mean to others never made me bat an eye....so now, when I really do need to be mean in a few cases, in-order to stand of for myself, I can't bring myself to doing it?

Then there are the few people that do actually mean something to me and that I do not want to piss off or hurt....which if I said what needs to be said to them would hurt them....well more likely piss them off first until it sunk in then it would hurt them. In this groups are those that should be told certain things but again I can't bring myself to say these things. Do I let these people go on with their blinders to these things?

Then I also have a few nicer things to say and can't....this truly is for my own fear. If I were to let someone know certain things I am thinking it would be letting down barriers I have taken far too long to build. Like all that work crumbled in mere seconds to nothing....then where would I be? I know I should not fear nor even care about others reactions to things I may have to say.....but after so many years of keeping the 'softer' side of me buried so deep how now to I let that show?

Why can't I be straight forward? I have not actually mislead any of these people nor have I been dishonest. However, I am starting to feel that I am being dishonest in my inability to say what I am really thinking. This is something new for me...actually thinking of someone else's feelings above my own and not wanting to hurt others. I do kinda think I'd like to go back to the way I used to be...saying what I think, when I think it, without regard to how it is taken and what reaction the other person may have. Why have I become somehow concerned with what others may think? How did I let this happen?

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