Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Randomness does NOT equal Pointless...or does it?

The post script on this one needs to go right up front…or would that then be called the pre-script?  For any of my clients or those that I am helping through UAADV Groups or in other areas….you may not want to read this as it is NOT intended towards any of you in any way.  This is just my own inner ramblings that I have to get out before my head explodes!  I LOVE working with ya’ll and do not begrudge one single minute that I spend helping any of you to live happy and healthy!


My randomness is not just pointless, although serendipitous at times to some extent....I know this bugs the daylights out of many of those around me.  However, there is usually a point to my ramblings and the hodge-podge of what appears to be totally unrelated stuff.  There is a common theme to everything and it is LIFE...and living it as well and as healthy and happy as one can.  Why should I cower to those that I don't deem worthy of breathing the same air I do?  I shouldn't and well quit frankly I don't (and no one else should either for that matter!), on the other hand they shouldn't cower to me either.  Why do most people always see things in that manner?  That one person always has to be 'in charge', why can't we agree to disagree and move on without walking all over each other, or trying to? 

I find myself so very often totally and inexplicably incapable of telling others how I really feel about them.  Good or bad....I am often so very indifferent to those around me that I have even started to agree with my closest friends that I am completely void of empathy, and please do not confuse that with a lack of compassion for those are two totally different things and would need a whole different post for that!  I just tend to believe that our actions towards others speak WAY louder than our words do.  I realize that I am somewhat alone in that way of thinking and well I quite frankly don’t care.  However, certain actions are screaming at me at the moment and well I am about to start screaming back….

Why in the world then am I in such a fear of telling others what I really think of them?  I am doing some deep deep searching on this one.  Do I still need the validation?  I really don’t consciously think that I do, but what is my subconscious telling me?  Well yep don’t think that is it.  so then what is it?  Am I still caught up in the whole thought process of …..of what?  At this point I rather think that I need to ‘eschew obfuscation, espouse elucidation’ in my relationships….and yep I mean all of them….

I try to keep my thoughts and feelings to my self to the point that no one including me knows what in the world I am thinking or feeling at any given time about any given thing, because I have for too long put others thought and feelings before my own.  Thus, the reason of why I am thinking in the terms above….I guess that little bit of dry humor is lost on most.  It is actually the irony of the phrase that I like!  And, yes for all of you out there that are so quick to jump in and demean others with your superior knowledge….I do know that phrase is most often used in regards to learning to write well….something which as you can see eludes me at the moment.  However, in terms of my dealing with others that fits perfectly as this time, because that is exactly what I need to start do: ‘avoid confusion, adopt clarity’.

I am sick to death of people that run around in the peripheral of other peoples lives trying to suck them into their drama.  If you have that much time on your hands, write a movie with all your own drama ( or at the very least a book, make some money with it!) and leave me (and others) out of it!  At the same time, please people….stop trying to suck me dry.  I have a life, I am trying to live it, it may not be perfect but it is MINE!! 

Let’s talk about playing the sympathy card for a moment…..not a good idea!  Ya know what I have issues also, as does just about everyone else I know…so WHY would anyone think that another person would put their entire freakin’ life on hold for someone else’s BS?  Could someone throw me a rope here because I think I am drowning in a cesspool of humanity. 

There are a hand full of people that I call my friends that at this time are actually NOT trying to just take something from me….including my sanity what little bit of that I seem to have maintained.   But then again, isn’t that what friends are for, well yep or so you’d think.  How bout those times when you need something and POOF no one is there.  Ya know what I’m talking about….we all have gone through this at one time or another.  Well I am putting an end to it now.  I will go back to doing what I do best….taking care of me and mine and everyone else can take care of them and theirs, or take a flying leap for all I care at this point!

Now don’t get me wrong there are those out there that I still care about and do still want to have in my life…the rest are getting cut from the team!  There are even those out there that have no clue how I feel about them, in so many words but I can only hope that as I said before….that my actions are speaking louder than words; both the good and the bad.  Am I about to turn into a selfish bitch…well no, I’m not in heat for one thing and there are those out there that are already thinking that I am now, so my actions from here forward may just prove them right….but more than likely not!

So was there a point to all of this?  Well, take it for what you got out of it….since it is generally socially unacceptable to scream at others to ‘STOP trying to act like you know me when you actually have no clue of who I am or what I am thinking, STOP trying to make me think you have any clue of what I have been through, and while you are at it ya know what…just stop!’  And, yep I think all of this will end up being pointless!